I love being able to apply lessons to my life. Deciding to work to better myself physically has helped me to increase my rate of education in ways that I never before considered.
I wrote those words on September 4, 2016. They were the last words I wrote on my blog until tonight.
2016…2017…2018…2019…2020
I would love to sit here and write that I continued my weight loss efforts and that I’ve met and exceeded every single goal over the past four years. But I haven’t. Much like my dedication to this site, my efforts disappeared for a long time.
I’ve thought about why that happened. The last time I majorly was focused on walking and weight loss was that 10 mile walk that I wrote about in post #7. It was a walk I did not properly take care of myself in. Have you ever eaten something you like, gotten sick right after, and had some sort of mental block against wanting to eat that food again? I think what happened to me was similar. The thing I was enjoying doing came back and made me feel physically uncomfortable. I had been doing great mentally about my efforts, but I wasn’t prepared for the physical reaction I had. It ruined walking for me (and correspondingly losing weight) for a long time.
Of course, if you’ve ever been on a weight loss journey, I don’t need to tell you what the fallout was. I rebounded. And then some. I’ve always found it unfair that we can’t just rebound to what our previous weight was. It’s always a bigger number. And that’s really the story of my life since I was about 23. I would gain weight, decide to lose weight, have something cause me to stop (normally plateaus), and then rebound and balloon. The only issue is that this time the ballooning hasn’t really stopped.
It’s difficult for me to write about this. It makes me feel vulnerable and requires me to face my failures. It makes me extremely uncomfortable knowing the people will read this because I normally try to keep my insecurities locked away. I’m one of the best “I don’t care what you think about my weight” actors I know. I have to be (I work with middle schoolers after all).
This Covid-19 has impacted me in ways that I wouldn’t expect. I’m not, nor have I really been sick. I teach, so I still had work. We haven’t had any financial burden as others have. I’m an introvert, so moving to online teaching was a breeze for me. I hadn’t paused to consider how the Coronavirus was negatively impacting me until I tried to put on some of my work pants (with the additional stretchy waist) and almost didn’t make it. It literally took me four tries and was probably one of the most strenuous workouts I’ve had these past 2+ months. I also had to go and renew my license and they ask you about your weight number. When I realized what it had been 5 years ago and what it’s become now…
For the past two months, I’ve worked at a desk on a daily basis. I haven’t been pacing a classroom, walking back and forth across a school to make copies, go to the cafeteria, the break field, etc. And my how it shows in all the wrong ways.
Tonight I received an email letting me know my domain registration was set to expire in 2 months. I’ve paid for almost 4 years of negligence. Huh…just thinking about that last sentence… I HAVE paid for my negligence. I think I have paid beyond financially and physically, too. I think I have paid spiritually. I know I’ve paid emotionally. I’m tired of paying for negative gains.
So I’m here to try again.
-Ian
I really enjoyed your post. You are a talented writer! The more I learn about you, the more I realize we have in common. I appreciate your heartfelt words… they spoke both to me and for me.